Your Nervous System Isn’t Lying to You: Understanding Coerced Consent

We’ve learned to question ourselves, especially when it comes to consent, comfort, and safety. Following a traumatic event, particularly one involving sexual coercion, many survivors find themselves asking:

“Was it really that bad?”

But the truth is: your nervous system was never lying to you.

TW: This article touches on sensitive topics such as SA, trauma, and the complexities of coercion.

Illustration by Cynthia Zhang

Freeze Response and Why It Happens

You've probably heard of the “fight or flight” response when someone feels threatened or afraid, but there is another response just as common and often misunderstood: the freeze response. This response is a natural human instinct that kicks in when we feel we cannot escape or face a situation because it is too overwhelming or damaging. It's one our body's ways of protecting us.

From a psychological standpoint, the freeze response is activated through the dorsal vagal complex of the nervous system, part of the body’s system for managing stress. When the body feels too threatened or stressed, it sends signals through the vagus nerve to slow things down, causing the body to become physically frozen or dissociated from the situation.

Sometimes, when a partner or a friend pressures, manipulates or coerces someone into something they don’t want to do, their body “freezes.” An involuntary response often accompanied by:

• Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from what’s going on as though you are watching it happen.

  
  

• Physical stillness: when you desire to move or speak up but feel unable to.

  
  

• Emotional numbness: when a person feels detached from any emotional response, unable to have or feel emotions, or unable to fully respond to what is going on at any particular time.

The freeze response is not a choice – it’s an automatic, biological response. Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert, explains that this response, though protective in the moment, can leave lasting effects on the body, which might manifest in anxiety, PTSD, chronic pain, or emotional numbness long after the situation has passed.

The Difference Between Coercion and Consent

Coercion often takes a more subtle form than overt aggression or force, especially in relationships, friendships, or environments where there’s an imbalance of power. It's easy to confuse coercion and consent but knowing the difference can help you recognize healthy boundaries.

Coercion occurs when one individual is compelled to agree to something they do not truly desire, typically for a variety of reasons. To avoid an argument, to satisfy the other party’s wishes, and/or out of obligation. The pressure can be obvious or not, and it can wear someone down so much that they aren’t really free.

The key difference lies in the voluntary nature of consent. If both of you are agreeing to it without an element of fear, guilt, or duress, then yes. In coercion, the consent comes under pressure or force; hence, it is not a free consent.

Coercion might look like:

• Repetitive requests or demands that gradually wear down a person's resistance to say no.

  
  

• Emotional manipulation (e.g. guilt-tripping or suggesting that the person “owes” the other something)

  
  

• Being pressured for prior promises where one cannot back out as it would cause emotional distress or conflict.

Psychologically, coercion operates by breaking down boundaries, often diminishing a person’s ability to assert their needs or desires. If you're coercing someone, they feel as though they have no choice but to go along with it, even though they'd really like to say no.

What all of that means is that the difference between coercing and consenting is quite vast. Because with consenting, it's informed, voluntary, and free of interference. When a person goes along with something under pressure, it is not meaningful consent. True consent means consenting without being manipulated and one that is being relaxed and not forced with pressure physically.

What Happens After: The Guilt Loop

Self-blame is one of the hardest things about going through coercion (such as date rape). Survivors might think, “Why didn't I say anything?” or “Could I have done more to prevent that from happening?” Such thoughts can lead overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. However, these emotions can be misleading. Survivor guilt does not originate within the person, but rather, it is an ingrained message that causes them to believe they were responsible for whatever occurred.

It is important to realize that you are not responsible for their actions. Also, recognize that your response (freezing, dissociating, complying or whatever the reaction) was a natural response to something you had no power over.

Guilt often keeps people stuck, preventing them from recognizing the truth: surviving was not a failure. The true failure lies with those who sought to manipulate or pressure you into something you didn’t want.

Touch Doesn’t Feel the Same Anymore—and That’s Okay

Recovery after trauma or any form of sexual assault, is not just about being physically safe, but emotionally safe as well. Touch, in all its forms—whether it’s a friend reaching out, a kind word, or simply letting someone in—can feel unfamiliar when your trust has been broken. You might find yourself holding back before sharing, flinching at the thought of vulnerability, or feeling disconnected from your body. That’s not failure. That’s your nervous system doing its job.

Though touch may not feel the same anymore, this doesn’t mean it never will again. With time, patience and support from the right people, reconnection is possible – on your own terms. You don’t have to rush.

You don’t have to be “healed” to be loved by someone new.

Your body and your heart may never forget what happened, but they’re also capable of remembering what safety feels like, too.

And when you’re ready, even if it takes time, that can mark the start of something deeply real—and deeply yours.

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Author's note:

This article may be difficult to write since it addresses a heavy matter and a sensitive issue.

I started writing this back in April for Sexual Awareness Month, but life got busy and I got caught up with work and midterms and now finals, so it took me a while to finish it.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading, I truly appreciate your time!

Stay safe and I’ll see you soon <3

-Mari Salomão

800.656.HOPE (4673)